Mom, and Dad. Those two words should not be placed together into one sentence if it’s referring to our “family”. I do not know where to begin, how to word this, how detailed I shall make this, how much I should say into this, how much emotion to put into my words, and all that jazz. Since I am extremely tired right now, my emotions are on a thin line, so this probably won’t be as heartfelt with anger/compassion as it possibly could be. However, I will do my best in typing this.
To start off, my birth was a mistake. I’m a knocked up baby. So it’s nice to know that I wasn’t born because two people loved eachother, it was because two people wanted to have a fun time, and didn’t remember, and didn’t use protection, and BAM. 9 months of pain and I’m born. December 17, 1994. Was it a date to remember, or a date to start hating your life? My signs point more towards the second option if were looking at this from you’re points of view. Now since you both had me, by mistake, you both decided to stay together. I guess you both started to develop feelings towards eachother, somewhat. I mean what can I say, dad was in numerous bands getting his career on track and mom was beautiful. How could both not be attracted to eachother? Well, I wouldn’t know. You guys bought a really small home, since you both didn’t have much money. You raised me for 3 years, then had your second child. I don’t really remember my childhood THAT well. Dad payed attention to his music, so I guess mom was tryna take care of me. Then, 16 months later, the third child was born. Me, and two sisters. All attention was paid towards my siblings. Noone paid attention to myself. I felt like a loner. I still do. And I’m almost 16. So when I guess, 6 years old, we moved. To a terrible town filled with people who are slutty, druggies, and stuck up losers. Anyway, years pass by. We all fight, what family doesn’t? I wonder if other families fight as much as we do. The only way I know about everything, isn’t because you told me. It’s because of me listening in on your fights, when the real truth is said.
What gets me is the fights between you, mom and dad. You guys fight SO much. Every day, well, anytime you guys talk. You guys barely even talk these days. I know you guys don’t love eachother. And have stopped a long time ago. You hate eachother, actually. I feel bad, I feel like mom has moved on and dad’s still somewhat attached. I feel like dad wants to try and make things work, but mom’s like eff it. It’s pathetic watching you guys live in the same house. It’s not ‘cause you care about us that you’re together. You’re only together because we don’t have that much money. And if you both were to seperate, you both individually would not be able to hold up yourselfs. Then with child support, and all that nonsense, there’s no way you both wouldn’t be able to afford it. The vibe between you both, is just unbelievable. There’s so much tension, anyone would be able to notice. Dad even told me today at the beach that he’s miserable when he’s home. The only thing that made me feel better was when he said I’m the only person in our house who doesn’t make him miserable. I teared up but played if off cool. Ya know, I kinda want you guys to get divorced. You both should do what makes YOU happy. Who cares what your kids think, do what YOU think you should do. I think it’s best if you werer seperated and happy, rather than together and hating life. You both want to. I want you to. I would love living with only one parent, then visiting the other. That would put less stress on me. There would finally be peace in the house. I bet if I told you this straight up, you would both do it in a heartbeat. Don’t get me wrong, I love you guys. You made me, even though it wasn’t intended. Mom, I feel like you don’t love me. You never tell me. When were on the phone, and when I say I love you, you never say it back. Ever. When I tell you goodnight/I love you, all I get is night. Yet, you say I love you to my sisters. You hug them, you kiss them, you love them. And me? Oh no. I don’t ever get hugs/kisses. I can’t remember the last time you hugged/kissed me. That’s sad. I don’t know the last time you’ve sincerely said you loved me, or if you ever have. Atleast dad says it to me alot. He wasn’t there for me that much in my childhood, let alone in my life at all, but atleast he’s trying to have a bond, and telling me he loves me, and what not. You seem like you hate me, you’ve told me you hate me. You said you wish you never had me. SORRY THAT I WAS THE UNWANTED RESULT OF UNPROTECTED SEX. And that I ruined your life. You’re always mad at me. You always tell me I seem angry, that I hate everyone, that I’m unfriendly, and all this bull shit that I don’t need to hear. It’s ironic, because I’m one of the happiest people ever, I’m extremely friendly, and a smile is always on my face. And it’s even more ironic that you’re the only one who thinks that about me. When you go through one of your weird mood sings, and you’re thoughts spill out. And I’m glad I hear them, because it’s a confirmation that I know you don’t love me. Don’t get me wrong, we do laugh about things a lot when you’re not in one of your moods. But overall, I’ve cried about the things you’ve said to me more than the fun times we’ve had together. I’m not going to continue blaming myself for your hatred, and unhappiness. I’ve been doing that for almost 16 years, and I’m tired of feeling like shit because I made you miserable. I can’t wait until I graduate high school and move away. I’ll be stress free, feel like I’m worth something, and won’t be constantly put down. I thank you for having me BY MISTAKE. Because I know the reason I was put on this earth to help others, and make people happy. I’ve been doing that, even though in your eyes all you see in me is hate. I’m there for people even if they hate me, or don’t know me. I’m that type of person, I’m thoughtful and caring. Something you don’t show much of. I’m glad I got all of this off of my chest. You know, I run in my dreams EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. That means I’m running from a problem, trying to avoid something. I have yet to figure our what I’m running from. I think after writing this, I have figured out that what I’ve been avoiding is saying how I really feel about you both. Now that I’ve stated my feelings, I’ve let out what was being stuck inside of me, this burden. I’ve let it out. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow when I wake up. ‘Cause after this, when I fall asleep, if I don’t run in my dream, than this is truely what I’ve been trying to avoid. And it will be the answer to many questions.